10 Baby Dealbreakers

"A baby is an inestimable blessing and bother." ~ Mark Twain

“A baby is an inestimable blessing and bother.” ~ Mark Twain

After watching an episode of 30 Rock–the one where Liz Lemon writes a book for women about what they should put up with from men, and which behaviors are “dealbreakers”–I got to thinking. We parents put up with an awful lot from our babies. Sure, most of it is just part of the job, but where do we draw the line? When do we say, “Enough is enough already! I am a human being, and I deserve some respect!” So, I came up with a list of baby dealbreakers.

1. If your baby sleeps between the hours of 6 pm to 10 pm, and then not again until 3 am, that’s a dealbreaker.

2. If your baby rips out full chunks of your hair, that’s a dealbreaker.

3. If your baby spits up in your hair just after you’ve washed and styled it, that’s a dealbreaker.

4. If you are getting ready to walk out the door wearing your nicest clothes and you’ve anticipated spit up so you wear a burp rag, and your baby projectile vomits all over you, that’s a dealbreaker.

5. If your baby poops just after you’ve stripped her, changed her diaper, then re-dressed her, buttons and all, that’s a dealbreaker.

6. If your baby poops just as you are walking out the door for an appointment, that’s a dealbreaker.

7. If your baby cries and wakes up another child just after you worked hard to get that child to sleep, that’s a dealbreaker.

8. If your baby poops on your comforter, that’s a dealbreaker.

9. If your baby screams, screeches, or yells every time you try to use the phone, that’s a dealbreaker.

10. If your baby ever, even once, spits up into your mouth while you are giving her a kiss, that, my friends, is a dealbreaker.

Now, before you kick your baby to the curb, there are a few ways for your baby to redeem himself:

If he smiles at you
If he coos
If his feet are cute
If he falls asleep in your arms
If he falls asleep anywhere else and looks angelic
If he lets you squeeze him
If he sucks on his fingers
If he sucks on his toes
If he laughs
If he looks at you
If he squeezes your finger
If the top of his head smells amazing
If he is squishy

If he does any of these things, then all is forgiven.

Enjoy your babies.

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Whew, I was starting to wonder how I let Aubrey reach toddlerhood and then I got to the redemption section and I remembered. ~Lara


One thought on “10 Baby Dealbreakers

  1. hahaha yep, I was starting to become concerned, I do remember these things happening with alarming frequency. But… yes…. baby redemption occurs. Instantly. And then they grow up a bit and still cuddle you and don’t spit up in your mouth, hair or down your back. Hardly ever. 😉

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