You Might Have a Toddler

If you have to vacuum your bed at night before you can sleep in it, you might have a toddler.

If you have to check your shoes for debris before you put them on, you might have a toddler.

If you often wonder, “Is that poop or chocolate?” You might have a toddler.

If you have ever lost a friend because your child terrified them, you might have a toddler. (They’ll likely find their way back to you when they have a toddler of their own.)

If it takes you forty-five minutes to get three things from the grocery store, you might have a toddler.

If you are frequently cleaning body fluids off the floor of other people’s houses, you might have a toddler.

If you can’t go into a restaurant because one of the people in your car is naked from the waist down, you might have a toddler.

If you ever sing to yourself songs from groups like The Wiggles or The Backardigans, you might have a toddler.

If you have ever had a sexy dream about Joe from Blue’s Clues, you might have a toddler.

If you find yourself checking the linen closet when you’re missing a kitchen tool, you might have a toddler.

If you always have a “backup” dinner on hand, you might have a toddler.

If you’ve ever had to leave your warm bed to go out into the cold night for a toy sword or a Lego lumberjack, you might have a toddler.

If your comforters are falling apart from being washed so often, you might have a toddler.

If you’ve ever said, “I will give you a cookie if you say ‘cheese’,” you might have a toddler.

If you have to make rules like, “No Hitting the Pipes in the Basement with a Frying Pan“, or “Must Wear Underwear at the Dinner Table,” you might have a toddler.

If the spray nozzles on your hair products go missing, you might have a toddler.

If you’ve ever had to say, “I’m so sorry he peed on your <insert literally any noun>,” you might have a toddler.

To all the parents with toddlers: It gets better. There is a light at the end of the toddler tunnel. In the meantime, enjoy all the snuggles. If you have more than one toddler at the same time, I feel for you.  And if you have a friend, or ever meet someone with a special needs child, give them a hug (and maybe buy them a drink), ’cause they’re dealing with all this, times ten. Hang in there, troopers.



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14 thoughts on “You Might Have a Toddler

    • I did not know that! He is adorable, and I very much do find him attractive, BUT I can’t really control who I have dreams about. Much stranger characters have worked their way into my head at night. ;D

      ~Daniél

      • I thought they both signed. Joe wears a green shirt, and Steve wears an orange shirt, right? Joe’s the young one. He’s Steve’s “younger brother”. I personally think Steve had a little bit of an, ahem, drug problem (there are a few episodes where he looked like he was coming off a bender), and that’s why his “brother” had to come take over. That’s just my theory… I loved them both, though.

        ~Daniél

    • Of course I don’t mind! Feel free to share away! I’m glad the post made you laugh. We need laughs to get us through the throes of toddlerhood. I’ve heard it’s the same for the pre-teen/teen years. :/ I have a 10 yr old, so I’ll be finding out soon enough. I’ll have to write a follow-up in a couple of years called “You Might Have a Teenager”. Hard to imagine!

      ~Daniél

      • wow, yes, it’s hard to imagine. Please write all the stages, maybe you could do a ‘you may have a older child’? Mine are young yet, though my eldest acts like he thinks he’s a teenager … I have teenager dread. Thanks again for the laugh!

  1. Just found this now and sent it to my 78-year old mom — she loved it. 🙂 Although I have to say, if this is true:

    “If you can’t go into a restaurant because one of the people in your car is naked from the waist down … ”

    … I sure HOPE you have a toddler! 🙂

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